Monday, January 23, 2017


How does one choose something important to write, worthy of the eyes of others?  When our life was a journey, moving to the Midwest, words flowed like water.  Pain jumped onto the page and typed the very keys themselves.  But I felt the burn of people's views of me when they voiced some things and referenced my blog entries.  I should say that by no means are the words that fall here my whole entire life.  Most of this stuff is just in my head.  Things I feel but, don't say out loud.  Have I endured some difficult days where I felt" whoa is me"?  Yeah, haven't we all?  Have I spoken freely about heartache and heartbreak?  Definitely.  Have I listed blessings and grace?  Yes.

These days, I've got better things to do.  I learned long ago that people are going to take away what they want and if they only see me for the words I leave here, well they're missing out on a whole whole lot.  These days, I spend my moments investing in my husband, my children, my family and last but, not least my friends.  It's way more product.  I don't have the turmoil and grief I once had with the process of moving far, far away and being separated from so many people I love.

In fact, since we've returned I've made peace with a lot of things.  Myself, mostly.  There's lots of guilt that comes from a messy childhood and teenage years.  There's guilt that comes with motherhood and I think I struggle greatest with that at the moment.  It's nothing I need to expound on, thanks for your concern though. 

I appreciate you stopping by from time to time but, unless I decided to make a career out of blogging, you'll only catch me around here from time to time.  From the way it looks, once (twice if you're lucky) a year.  Maybe once our house is done and all my babes are off to school and I'm having friends over to discuss a bible study and keep me sane.  Maybe then I'll come around more often.  (Probably not though.  Let's all be honest.)  I dare to be real here, to speak with such poignancy or honesty.  I fear the thoughts that would pierce one's mind about the kind of person I am.  People think nothing of tearing each other apart these days.  There's no limits, no thoughts about encouraging and building each other up.  

Love one another as I have loved you.  I fail at it daily in the stinkin' pickup line at school, of all places.  (Way to be a role model.)  Ugh, I can't stand it when kids don't walk in the crosswalk, straight out in front of my car they run.  Or when parents think they're the only one with places to be.  I've been working on it, I just laugh (as I say mean things under my breath).  Yep, working on that too.  Always a work in progress.   (I'd like to think I'm getting better with age?)  Micah Tyler probably puts it best in his song, "Never been a moment" when he sings, "I've been a sinner.  I've been a saint.  A little bit of both, every single day."  Story of my life.