Monday, October 25, 2010

Got an eye? Could I vent for a second?

Where's the sun, dag on it?!  I hate these clouds covering up the golden rays of the sun and the season just can't make up its mind.  Yesterday, I had on shorts and a t-shirt.  Today, it's jeans and my favorite fleece jacket.  On days like this, I dream of the hot, sunny desert.  Or even a cold, sunny desert.  OK, maybe not cold. 

Why don't I live on the sunny West Coast, you ask?  Well, all of my family's here and while I love 'em, sometimes they drive me absolutely batty and I wonder what it would be like to live far, far away where I know no one!  Sometimes, this thought excites me.  Sometimes, it scares the pants off of me!  I have lived in the same small town for the entirety of my life.  Crazy, isn't it?
Other things that especially bother me on crappy days...finances, babies, career (or lack there of, I should say.) 

Finances - well, that's just always a topic of discussion, or argument.  We won't go there.

Babies - my husband wants 2 more.  I don't.  On a good day, I think maybe one more.  Then, I come to my senses.  To me, kids are like puppies, fun when you see them and hold them.  A few years later, when you're arguing about money and itching to go back to work, you still have a while before they go to Kindergarten and you're wondering 'how much longer do I have to do this?'  Don't get me wrong, I'm good at being a mom.  My kids are bright, ahead of their classmates, extremely well behaved and I've worked with them a lot.  I cook, LOVE to cook.  So, every one's good around here.  Everyone but me.

I'm at the point in my life where I feel a strong desire to find myself and so far, I just feel like a mother.  Unappreciated, inadequate, overworked, under payed, criticized and trapped. 

There are things that I would like to do with my life, career-wise.  Being a stay-at-home mom, my work experience dates back to the dark ages and I'm not interested in the degree that I have.  It's not my passion. 

I can remember meeting with the guidance counselor in high school to discuss my career.  My answer: chef, I wanted to be a chef.  It was plain, simple and I knew exactly what I wanted to do.  She smiled at me, the kind that says 'Are you serious?  That is just hilarious!'  My feelings hurt, heart broken, I went to college and got a degree in IT.  I didn't decide what I would study until I went to register and meet with the college counselor to work on scheduling my classes.  She asked "What degree would you like to work towards?"  I scanned the list, decided I'm awesome at electronic stuff and computers, that's what I'll do. 

I hated it.  Still do.  Don't get me wrong, I still love electronics.  It's just not what I want to do with my life.

On the other hand, I feel like there's never any time for me.  Is that selfish, to want "me" time?  To once in a blue moon, want a night out with the gals, drink a pina colada and laugh the night away - without feeling guilty?  Take some photography classes?  Go to culinary school?  Figure out what I want to be when I grow up?  Go back to work? 

There is never time. 

It's easy for people not in the driver's seat to say, you have to make time.  Well, tell that to my kids who have activities, to my husband who travels and never has a set schedule, and to the me that wants a rest when there's a minute to spare.  It would be impossible to go back to work because he leaves at the crack of dawn and gets home when it's dark.  By the way, he also has a life and things he likes to do, too.  Who would take the kids to school, watch them in the afternoon, feed them, help them with their homework?  There are very few people that I trust my kids with.  I can count them on one hand.  (Part of the reason I stay at home.)  Therefore, feeling trapped.

One day, I'd like to find me.