Thursday, September 20, 2012

uncertainty


At the exact moment that things start to go all haywire, doubt knocks on my door, my house of surety.  He doesn't ask if he can come in or even stay a while.  Instead, he pushes past  and crashes on the couch.  He lingers and I feel uncomfortable.

There are times when I wonder...was it time?  Were we supposed to wait a bit longer to come here?  When you've looked at ump-teen houses and you backed into the trim on the landlord's garage, those are the times when everything seems bleak.  And I begin to question is this God's plan?  Or is this my plan?

How many houses will we have to look at?  Is there really such thing as "that feeling" when you walk in to a place?  Or do you just pick something and make it home?  How does that work exactly? 

How do you not feel like a failure when your sixth grader comes home and tells you they're reading out of third and fourth grade books or that they did this or that in first grade?  Or that the teacher yells all day and calls them crybabies?  I'm beginning to question things.  I'm beginning to miss home in a different way.  A way that doesn't necessarily miss the who's but, the what's.

I'm beginning to feel like we should run, run fast.  Back from where we came.  And not look back.  Looking back tows what if along for the ride.  It never fails...what if's a party pooper. 

Forget the coffee shop/bakery because it's infringing on my child's education.  Her happiness.  Is God's plan hunky-dory for all of us?  Surely, everyone experiences suffering.

I was the one struggling to find my purpose.  Now that it's in reach, my child is suffering and that doesn't sit well.  It cozies up next to doubt and they yell, "Hey, bring a couple bags a chips and some soda."  Oh gosh, they're trying to spend the day.

I'm feeling unsure and unaccomplished all over again.  Somehow, my suffering's not so important anymore.  Is my purpose something unforeseen, unimagined in my own eyes?  James Openheim once wrote, "The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet."  Right under my feet?  Was it always there?  I thought I was growing it under my feet.

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?"
~ Psalm 13:2

There are days when the pieces of this puzzle are coming together, making sense even and days when they're not.  Today, they're not.

So, I'm resting doing my best to rest here... 
"Do not be anxious about anything,
but in every situation,
pray and ask God for everything you need,
always giving thanks.
And God's peace,
which surpasses all understanding,
will keep your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ."
~ Philippians 4:6-7