Monday, October 1, 2012

to leave and never return

This thought's flung its arms around my leg, shackled itself to my ankle and I haven't been able to shake it.  I actually asked the Mister, "Do you ever think about packing it up and just going home?"  Yep, I went there.  I wanted to know if I was the only one with this thought bouncing around inside my head.  Was I crazy even thinking it?  He replied, "Yes."  Oh, how I wanted to persuade him, to push him, to turn thoughts into realities.  I asked him, "Why don't we do that?"  Being that he's a sensible man, he listed several reasons and I let it be.

There is so much I wish I could change, do over.

I love our friends here.  I wouldn't want them to be offended but, this place, I feel apart of it but, then again, not so much.  I love it, I hate it.  It is what I wish for my children and then, it's not.  I adore the fact that it's small, very small.  A tiny place where kids walk and ride their bikes to school.  Three buses park quietly outside and wait there for kids to return in the afternoon.  An archway of trees line the main road coming in and going out of town.  It is picturesque.  The kind of place where God is huge and little evil is found.  It's the place where neighbors stop to chat along their crisp morning walk with dogs in tow.  A place where no one compares them self to the next.  Where minimal is a way of life.  It's a comfortable place but, everything in this world has its draw backs.

The school.  We found out that all teachers in Illinois are with the union.  I am now learning to hate very much dislike the union.  It doesn't matter what kind of teacher you are...good, bad, indifferent.  You don't lose your job because your students are failing or unfocused.  No, you have a contract that says your job is secure and who cares that you're educating the future of America?

I have a very big problem with this.  Our kids need more, I dare to say they are "gifted" because that word's so "high and mighty" but, they need to be challenged at a higher level.  In a school so small, there is no challenge.  There's no gifted, no enrichment program.  Nothing to stimulate their minds other than that one level, a day to day blah.  The curriculum here is slow and behind what we're used to.  So slow and behind that Miss K is reading out of books they used in Virginia in the third and fourth grade.  She's in the SIXTH GRADE!  This is killer.  It does our children no favor to sit in on these classes.  It makes them hate school.  And I hate it that I didn't dig into this deeply.  Everyone said (and continues to say), "We have a great school."  When this is all you've ever known, maybe you do think it's a great school but, we're I'm having a very difficult time with it.

The sports.  Since the school's so small, sports are limited.  There is no football, no soccer, no golf, no lacrosse, no wrestling, no prom - not that prom's a sport.  Back home, this past weekend was homecoming for the school.  You know, big football game, dance afterwards, your best hair, makeup, and a date.  A tear came to my eye as I looked at pictures of all the girls dressed up and ready for their big night.  Their dates in cute little matching ties.  There will be none of that here and it made my heart ache for this little girl that will never get to experience any of it.  I won't get to be the mom who takes her daughter out shopping to find a beautiful dress and then off to the salon for hair and nails.

The housing.  There are a very limited number of houses here for sale with much more than a quarter of an acre.  How do you expect to have dogs?  How do you expect to have a garden?  Do you know you can't have chickens here?  It's not allowed within the town.  I want a handful of chickens.  Just a a handful.

I wonder how we could've been so naive, so silly as not to research all of this.  Comb through every. single. detail. before we even gave this a second thought.  I thought we had it all covered.  Why did I feel like God was calling us here?  Now, I feel so troubled, so displaced.  Why does life seem so difficult?  Not only for myself, but for my children?  I can handle my self, but my children?  It hurts to see them suffer.

It's true, I'm missing the whos, the whats, the wheres, the whens, the what ifs.  I'm missing it all.

God always finds a way to stretch us, not to break us, but to bend us.  To make us stronger, to make us step out in faith, to put all of our trust in Him..."For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)