Tuesday, November 30, 2010

of babies and change

Am I really posting this?  Yes, I really am.  Blogging is like therapy.  I might shoot myself in the foot, but here goes...

So, to my own surprise, I'm getting the itch.  And I find myself pondering this strange situation.  Why?  Is it because of all the babies around?  Is it because my baby (now 4 years old) isn't a baby anymore?  This same thing happened when K was in her last year of preschool, too.  If we had another, would I feel the same again when that one was headed to Kindergarten??  Is this some type of vicious cycle?  Am I insane?!

Just yesterday, I asked the man if I could hold him for just a second and I smooched all over his little chipmunk cheeks while he giggled and attempted to squirm away.  I'd made a mental list of why I wasn't having anymore kids, I even posted a tiny bit of it here.  (OK, so I was fuming because I was having a rough day and feeling the SAHM blues, woe is me.)

Not long ago, I approached C with the subject of adding on (by the way, he wants four.)  I questioned him, Why do you want moreLess is more, I said.  Then, I proceeded on, keeping my list in the forefront of my thoughts and blasting away, shot after shot.  My intentions - to extinguish his desire to increase our family. 

Now, what the heck is going on.  Someone put on the brakes, who is this lady?!

Monday, I was talking to another SAHM of three.  A year apart in age, I'm intrigued by her presence, confidence, her solid faith.  She spoke of the pros and cons of her clan, having more - means more brokeness, if you will.  More chaos, more mommy, mommy, mommy.  Could I handle that?  Whew, sometimes it seems like an overflowing plate but, each day I say yes.  

Maybe this has something to do with it.  In a different way, I can relate so much to this..."my former self was small and inexperienced and a bit off track from what life is really about, I am realizing more that, while I have changed in good and needful ways, I am very much the same as well" - from Kelle Hampton's "this is it".  (One of my favorite bloggers!  If you're interested in reading more from Kelle start here.)  I too, have changed.  Now, I'm finally finding me and just like she says, "what life is really about."  C and I are in a good place.  More than ever, we are fitting together like a glove, learning to mesh and understand each other. 

I read this today, "...in church one Sunday the pastor talked about a very different kind of list: a to-be list.  He said that most of us are so busy doing that we forget to be - to be kind, to be peaceful, to be centered, to be loving." - Guideposts Jan.2009 from Jan Weeks, Grand Junction, Colorado.  These days, I am more confident, less anxious, more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever felt before.  I am becoming more patient, more loving, more settled.  Yep, definitely settled.  I am learning to be and it feels good.