Friday, February 17, 2012

i'm sorry

I haven't really known where to start.  See, when I laid everything out, having had such big hopes and dreams, when they all fell down, I didn't quite know how to pick myself up.  What to say.  How to sift through all the pain and put it into words here. 

I've spent a fair amount of time sulking this week.  And no, I'm not proud of the fact.  I'll be the first to tell you, pouting doesn't help at all.  In fact, I felt like I was mentally stuck in a hole of frustration and couldn't get out.  Eventually, I realized I had to quit dwelling on what we didn't have and focus on the things that I was truly thankful for...For a God who reminds me that I am neither forgotten, nor forsaken.  For my husband who is as much in love with me now as the day I met him (and who I think actually enjoyed the game of "Date Night Q&A" on our Valentine's Day dinner.  Try it, it's fun.)  For a daughter who's never too old to have her mama do her hair.  My sweet boy who'd give me all the kisses in the world if I asked.  The exhilarating makeover I've given our bedroom which now makes it a haven instead of a dungeon and the quiet, warm nook in our basement that I adore.

There are little things too...WPER, which keeps my faith alive daily.  My pups and kitten who unconditionally love me every day of the week.  Our delightful feathered flock who run to meet me and then follow wherever I go.  My beloved sewing machine and the blogs in which challenge me to be creative.  See, there are so many things that I overlook every day.  Trivial, they are not.  It all just becomes routine and I forget to stop and smell the roses.  It's moments like these when I must take the time and discern these precious gifts.  I have to refocus.  Readjust the lens and see life for all the good it holds.

{Chapter 2 of our big, big story}
The weatherman says we're finally getting snow this weekend.  Five inches, perhaps.  Normally, I'd be excited.  Slightly.  But I'm not at all.  You see, those opportunities which patiently hung in the balance, they're still there.  They call for him to be on a plane Sunday night and I'm not too keen on all of this - flying and bad weather.  Heck, any traveling and bad weather don't mix.  Honestly, it's making me a little anxious.

If there's one thing I continue to learn over and over (and maybe one day, God, it'll sink in) is to wait patiently.  I have a problem with that.  I don't do it well.  I'm a bit on the anxious side.  While it's always been a problem, anxiety has been toned down quite a bit over the years, but from time to time, it still tiptoes in.  Anyway, I refuse to put it on screen, my excitement.  I don't want to see it there when/if disappoint strikes.  I appreciate you playing the game.  I write.  You read.  We all wait.  BOOM!  Tragedy strikes and I have to recant.  That's the painful part.  I don't mind sharing, not a bit.   It's when I have to regress.  That's when pain stabs deeply.

I don't regret my hope, my faith.  They are true blue.  I Loathe the disappointment.  With a capital L.  So, I'll just say that we're up for another game of opportunity and I'll try not babble on about it.  I'll do my best to keep it away from here.  To hoard it all in my heart, bottle it up and toss it to God like a hot potato.  To let go and let God.  I'll TRY.  No promises.