february

For awhile now, I've been asking myself are these thoughts insane?  Completely nuts?  I'll be cooking and they creep in.  My head spins when I think of the all the little details and I put them to bed with prayer.  I know that there's a plan for us much more grande than we could ever imagine.  I just keep wondering, 'Is this it, Lord?  This time?'  Oh, the excitement pounds on my door and I struggle to keep it at bay.

It's been quite some time since I last asked the questions...1)What is my purpose, my place in this world?  What I am I supposed to be doing with my life?  2)Who am I?  What am I all about?  3)What has made me who I am?  4)And do I really like that person?  5)Are there areas of my life that need change?  Peter writes, "To your faith add goodness, to your goodness, add knowledge. To your knowledge, add self-control. To your self-control, add patience. To your patience, add service for God. To your service to God, add kindness for your brothers and sisters in Christ, and to this kindness, add LOVE." ~2 Peter 1:5-7
 
While those questions are complex, I've unearthed countless answers with the help of Bible studies, inspiring leadership and encouraging friends.  From these sessions, I've gained insight and strength.  And while life is continually a work in progress and things don't always go as planned, this journey has, at times, been wearisome, yet worthwhile.  Which leads me to believe that I am neither nuts nor senseless for the notions that I entertain.  I am trusting in Him to lead us, to give us the strength and courage to follow, and endurance to see us through trying times.

Now, I sit here alone having devoured comfort food, which pacifies me on normal occasions.  Tonight, not so much.  I'm feeling bloated and gross.  T.M.I., I know.  It was like old times this afternoon, him hopping a plane for work while I stay back to hold down the fort.  It should have felt natural.  Yet I sit here forlorn and in fact, the solitude is utterly unnerving.  Any other time, I'd be relishing a new read and content with this time alone.  No, it's not the solitude.  It's the fact that our future sits in the palm of February's hands.  While only God holds our fate, she cradles possibilities and opportunities that leave me feeling edgy.  In the past, I continually shoved the excitement down and oddly enough, I don't feel even a pinch of excitement.  In fact, more than anything, I feel jittery.  Nope, it's not excitement.  It's not fear.  It's not anxiety.  It is restlessness.  I. hate. the. wait. 

So, to Miss February, could you please get a move on?  This is killing me.  To Mr. God, I'm trying to be patient, really I am.  I hope you'll agree, I've done well thus far.  Is this it?  Is this when you'll reveal your grand plan for this season of our lives?  We're ready.  Is it time to throw your change-up?  Mr. God, that is not a challenge, it is that tiny hint of excitement peering through the crack.  Romans 15:13 - "I pray that the God who gives hope will fill you with much joy and peace while you trust in Him.  Then your hope will overflow by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Oh yeah, thanks for the hope and your perfect timing.