Tuesday, February 7, 2012

this is it

Today's s'posed to be the day.  Yesterday, I could hardly contain myself.  I sat at my desk, mind racing, trying hard to concentrate on my work, but it wasn't happening.  I waited, waited for the buzz of my phone.  I had played it out in my mind...it would buzz, I would look, it would say, "We're going to..., I got it!"  I would text back, "SERIOUS?!"  Then say THANK YOU LORD, silently jump up and down in my cubicle, doing a happy dance and I didn't know if I'd be able to keep it together, to not disturb our entire office, but that's what it looked like in my mind

By lunch time, it was killing me.  So, I texted, "Anything yet?"  "No" he replied.  Again, I wrote back, "OK, sorry to bother you.  Have a good day!"  Then, a while later, my phone buzzed and my heart sank and I felt slightly light headed as I grabbed it and read, "No bother."  Dang.  And all through the day, I kept checking, to see if some how, some way I'd missed it, the sweet buzz of a phone that held the answer to the next possible season of our lives.

Painfully, I waited out the rest of the afternoon.  He came home from work and things weren't going so smoothly for me.  I was a mess.  I'd been asked to work the next day, which I cheerfully accepted.  Not a problem.  I'm usually there three days a week and the other two are grocery and house cleaning days.  So, it was going to throw me off a little, but I would cope.  Everything paled in comparison to finding out their decision.  I didn't care where I was or what I was doing, how messed up my schedule would be this week, it all revolved around that one thing.

My dad, granddad and sometimes my brother eat dinner with us most week nights now.  So I called my dad and enlisted him to pick up something for dinner because a friend and I would be providing refreshments for Bible Study Tuesday night.  Ultimately, my plan was to get my baking done quickly, so I wouldn't be up half the night.  Not cooking dinner meant I could proceed with baking and save time.  Instead, I'd baked a lemon cake from an ancient cookbook and it stuck to the pan!  Oh heavens to Betsy, not now!  On top of that, my dad called later saying he wouldn't be able to pick up dinner, he'd been delayed at work.  And so all my plans were being sucked down the drown.  At one point, I stopped and I said, "God, maybe this evening is not going 'according to plan', but maybe it's because tomorrow will be fantastic."  I yearned for that to be the outcome.

C came home.  "Any news?,"  I asked.  He'd gotten an email - no decision yet.  That was good, we weren't out of the running.  At 6:30, the phone rang.  I answered and an unfamiliar voice asked to speak to him.  I wondered was this it?  They are an hour behind us.  It could be.  He said hello and that was the end.  It was an old friend and co-worker checking in.  Dang.

Yesterday was agonizing,  and yet, today holds our fate.  At least for this opportunity.  There are more who hang in the balance, who also wait to hear what today holds.  I've prayed a lot in the last few days.  A lot being more than usual and for things other than the norm.  I haven't prayed for this to happen, but for God to put us where He needs us to be, for His will to be done.  I've prayed for strength to handle whatever answer we receive, but honestly, last night, I prayed that my hope would not be lost and that the Big Man would come through.  I know it was selfish and I admitted that to Him, but I make it a point to not be selfish when I'm praying [under normal circumstances], but again, this isn't a normal circumstance.

I long to take that leap of faith.  To leave all that's familiar to me.  To venture out.  To follow dreams.  Would I miss this place?  Would I miss everything familiar to me?  Yes.  I've answered those questions here and in my head over and over.  But I know his dreams and I want to follow them.  Wherever they may take us.  And if you're reading this D, you'll be the first to know when the call comes in.  I promise.